The Movie-Goers Guide to College Relationships
By Anonymous on 17 Mar
Our southeast Swizzer contributor, Tim Brierley, shows us that not all college relationships are romantic comedies. Check out this article and see what phase you are in. Boom.
As I look back at my college dating history (drunkenly Facebook stalk all of my ex girlfriends) I notice a few things; First of all, I am much better at ending relationships than I am at staying in them, but more importantly I see that all of my relationships have followed the same basic pattern, which I am going to break down for you now. Since I watch far too many movies, I have also realized that it’s easier to talk in terms of movies than to rely on my own witty observations.
Stage 1- Memento
Like the movie Memento, most of my college relationships start with waking up in a strange bed and no recollection of how I got there, followed by painstakingly trying to reconstruct the previous night using photos posted on the book (that’s new slang I’m trying to start), and the awkward task of playing it off like I remember what happened when I obviously don’t. Then, as I gather my clothes off the floor, we exchange numbers and act like we’re going to text each other (even though we both know we won’t). However those awkward mornings are the seeds that eventually grow into a beautiful college romance (possibly the lamest sentence in this article).
Stage 2- Fight Club
Monday to Wednesday I’m Edward Norton, I go to class, do my work, live my boring life while trying my best to avoid running into the girl from last weekend. Thursday night rolls around, I have a few drinks, and all of sudden Brad Pitt strolls into my room and starts convincing me that texting that girl doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Dammit Tyler! Like it or not, tomorrow morning I’m gonna wake up next to Helena Bonham Carter again. Then I’ll spend my Friday morning classes trying to figure out why Brad Pitt thought it was such a good idea to send those typo filled texts at 2 am, doesn’t he understand he’s pulling me from one night stand territory into full on dating land!?
Stage 3- The Sixth Sense
So its been a few weeks since we first hooked up and I’ve been walking around like nothing has changed, going to class, drinking, doing my best to keep Tyler under control, skillfully walking that line between hanging out (a term I invented to help prolong the transition from hooking up to dating, feel free to use it) and dating… or so I thought. All of a sudden I see a red balloon floating around my room and I realize that this whole time I thought we were hanging out, we were actually dating, then I look back on the past month and realize that I’ve actually stepped over to the other side of the dating line, I’m a fucking ghost! Boom Shyamalaned!
Stage 4- Titanic
Ok, fine, by now I have accepted the fact that I am actually dating, and once I’m on board there’s really no way to get off, so I decide to try to enjoy myself and dance in a smoky room in the bottom of the ship and have sex in cars and other romantic stuff like that. And for a little while everything seems to be going well, then I start to get sick of being on this stupid boat. What the hell? You mean I have to dress nice and go to fancy dinners? I’d rather just stay down in that smoky room and get wasted, I already took you to the front of the ship and blew your mind, what more do you want! And this is the point where my relation-ship (omg, soo clever) hits an ice berg, and just like Jack, I slowly fade away (except I don’t die, and its not nearly as romantic, in fact it’s the opposite of romantic).
Stage 5- Castaway
So, now I’m free and single, I can do whatever I want; workout, swim, try to make fire, the world is my oyster! After a few unsuccessful attempts at drunkenly hitting on girls at the bar (wait, so you’re telling me girls don’t like it when you tell them they have porn star boobs?) I start to accept that I have absolutely no game. Therefore instead of hanging out with other girls, I spend most of my time alone (or with a volley ball. that’s not a movie reference, I do that for real) and grow a beard (Lie. I can’t grow facial hair). And basically I hang out on my island and watch old episodes of 30 rock on hulu until the whole process starts over again.
So yeah, I should probably work on my relationship skills instead of watching movies, but to be honest I think my system is working just fine, actually I’m on really good terms with most of my ex girlfriends, we still wish each other happy birthday on facebook. That’s good right?